There was a murder on a train do you know if the suspect was caught? 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said "You couldn't possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 mph and we never saw you go by us!" He had to keep track of everything! I obviously took the ex-press train back home.I went to a railway fancy dress party at the weekend. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The list below is a mishmash of both, so give it a read and enjoy! Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.Will that work?Its worth a try.As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.Next one is sixty minutes from now, grunted the stationmaster.An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. He receives plenty of freight mail. They can just keep chugging. The police made him give it back. Train really hard. They all have one track minds. All texts within this site are protected under International rights of reproduction law: ToyTrainCenter.com. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel. You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails. Follow the tracks. A chew-chew train. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. They have eyes. A: Because people are always crossing it! His mum says from the storks. I spent a great deal of time collecting the best train jokes available online. If they make the cut (as a stalwart humor publisher we have very high standards) well be sure to include them. 86. It comes in sizes from Small to X-Large so it is actually the perfect T-shirt for couples! 88. Theres a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. Want to hear a dirty joke? Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning. Being a train driver is more difficult than it looks. There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. Because she didnt want to leave her trunk in the baggage carriage.How do find out how heavy a whale is?By taking it to the whale weigh station.When does a rabbit go at exactly the same speed as a train?When it is one of the passengers on the train.Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive.I was considering becoming a railway conductor or engineer, but I got put off by all the training.I went for a walk along the railroad tracks, but then I suddenly felt run down.I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track.A young man has just told me about a great offer on railway buffers. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo.I was going to ask the conductor a question when he walked by, but I was too afreight to ask.I went to a throwback party at the train station. Knock, knock!Whos there?Quintus.Quintus who?Quintus the next train leave?Knock, knock!Whos there?Alpaca.Alpaca who?Alpaca the suitcase, you see what time the train leaves.Knock, knock!Whos there?Betsy.Betsy who?Betsy of all, the train ticket says first class.Knock, knock!Whos there?Chew.Chew who?You sound like a chew-chew train.Knock, knock!Whos there? 83. I dont want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive. 8. Well, get them this T-shirt as a present and point to the 10% imagination and the unicorn mood that is needed to do math and youll surely make them smile. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. By following the tracks.Who solves railway crimes?Scotland Train-Yard.What happened to the man who took the evening train home? Ticket inspectors. What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? A list of 48 Train puns! 69 SUPER Dirty Jokes for Adults Only 2023 (with Photos) 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes) by Eric Russell - 23 Mar 2022 Sense of Humor Not every joke needs to be family-friendly or G-rated. 5. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death. Said to a railroad engineer: Whats the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didnt have a schedule?. 30 Extremely Dirty Jokes You'll Want To Tell Your Best Friends (But Train Bloopers and Wrecks | Funny, Weird and Wacky Trains Its just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.Why then, inquired Maggie, do you keep raising your hand?Well, smiled Roger, thats to interrupt myself because Ive heard that joke before., 62. You can see its tracks! good train and railway jokes are hard to come by. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says Choo Choo Choo!. 43. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. Apr 26, 2023, 08:17 AM EDT. 61 Funny Sleep Puns And Jokes You Need To See, 101 Rock Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny, 100+ SMore Puns & Jokes That Are The Perfect Treat, 31 Balloon Puns & Jokes That Are Seriously Funny, 19 Box Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny, 32 Snail Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny. 67 Train Puns And Jokes To Derail Any Conversation! 60 Rib-cracking Electrician Jokes To Light Up Your Mood I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Same as usual madam; it has four carriages and it will run on rails.Why shouldnt you fall asleep on trains? He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 95. A: A chew, chew train. A chew-chew train. Whats another name for a freight train thats transporting gum? The design with its clear black lines on clear grey sends the right message immediately. 44. The conductor took it and moved on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. youve been questioned more than once by the police asking, What are you doing parked by the tracks?. If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down. Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive. 36. Why cant steam engines sit down?A. A passenger train is creeping slowly along. youre in your car and you come up to a railroad crossing. And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." 75. They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. And you didnt! Predictably, hes hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, hes at his friends house attending a party. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?, I said, Im not sure. The train track says a pint for me, please, and one for the road.I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didnt want to leave his trunk in the baggage car. The toy train - Little Johnny Jokes - CrocJokes.com The realist sees a freight train.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_20',667,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_21',667,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_1');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_22',667,'0','2'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_2');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_23',667,'0','3'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_3');.large-mobile-banner-2-multi-667{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:3px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:3px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;min-width:300px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. He doesnt care that he cant drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy. Little Johnny asks his mum where babies come from. This is an absolute requirement if youre actually on a train, but dont be afraid to randomly bring one of these up in casual conversation as well (maybe when youre meeting the parents). But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilots jacket and hat.You wanna know why I love trains?They end my suffering.Why was I stress eating on the train track?To wait to get hit.Why cant a steam locomotive sit down?Because it has a tender behind.Why did timmy drop his ice cream coneHe got hit by a train. In the good old days, all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.No matter where you are, youll never see happy railroad tracks. His shoes start to smoke! Youve got to hand it to themWhats the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? When he picked up the lantern and began cleaning it, naturally, a genie suddenly appeared. 20 Best Train Jokes & Puns that Go the Extra Mile | Beano.com Theyre not the conductor.Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? Too many people have crossed them.Whats one easy way to tell if a train just passed? Sir, we dont stop at Victoria, the collector said. I just chased it out of the station because I didnt like the look of it!. 50. Why cant trains sit down? He knocks on the bathroom door and says, Ticket, please.. Have a look at our Editors Choice of the top 4 funniest T-shirts for men. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. Yo mama so dirty, when she swims in a pool, a ring is left around the edge. Have you reached the age of a grown-up? Copyright 2023 O-hand.com. Ive always been driven by the joy of monorails.Well, one thing Ill say about ticket inspectors is that youve certainly got to hand it to them.Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station.I handed in my notice today and left my job as a newspaper reporter. This train doesnt even STOP in Victoria!, 60. The Daily English Show. The following are some of the funniest, slickest, and corniest train jokes for kids. Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt.It was exhausting to listen to the conductors argument because she had a one-track mind. A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!" Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. Lets start the fun with these puns! It was enough to drive you loco.I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.What do you call a sick locomotive?A train with a coal-d.How do you make the locomotive Olympics?Train really hard.The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train.They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning.Right at the track of dawn.Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.The conductors mailbox is always stuffed with letters. 6. My boss said to me, You are the worst train operator ever. It was an end of line sale. Its not essential for you to be actually on a train to tell these train joke. A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. If you dont believe us, scroll through this list and see for yourself. Yo mama so dirty, her perfume is roach spray. A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town. Were on to you, now. For your comfort, I came up with the best train jokes! He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. All rights reserved. One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. He was there come train or shine. What do you call a lazy bull? Here are some dirty Little Johnny jokes that are definitely rated-R and may be too hot to handle! Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:The berth rate has gone up since your last trip., 78. All rights reserved. While trains are one of the oldest forms of transportation (dating back to the 1800s!) 3. Because they cant even put on a skeleton service! It was exhausting to listen to the conductors argument because she had a one-track mind. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. He was so mad at the ticket man, he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.Are you stupid or something? One trains the mind, the other minds the trainsI know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. How does a train avoid detection? Stalin says, "I know what to do. Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy. 26. Hes my arch enemy.I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Choose your size on Amazon. ; A Train: A Train may refer to: The A (New York City Subway service) A Division (New York City Subway) A-train (Denton County), line in Texas A-Train (JR Kyushu) . After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.Maggie watched this closely, and after about an hour, she said, in a concerned voice, Excuse me. 81. 69 SUPER Dirty Jokes for Adults Only 2023 (with Photos) 84. A young man has just told me about a great offer on railway buffers. The first blonde says, Look, those are deer tracks., The second blonde looks at them and says, No youre wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves., The third blonde thinks for a minute and says, Youre both wrong, these are hog tracks, Im sure.. A man was going by train from LA. The police made him give it back.I swear train conductors never get in trouble. If the windshield doesnt break, its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. Deep. Wanna take the joke a little far? All three fork over the money. Politics latest updates: NHS 'on the brink' says nursing union as A train conductor gets arrested for committing crimes in his home town. No matter the setting, these 50+ hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. to Chicago. Make sure you dont yank their train! A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!". 4. Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. 50+ Dirty Jokes That Are Never Appropriate But Always Funny in 2023. The prices range from below $10 to slightly over $25, depending on size. I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track. A train station is where a train stops.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-leader-1','ezslot_14',663,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-leader-1-0'); If Im offering you my seat, you take it. A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesnt go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought. Finally, when it stopped for about the hundredth time, one of the tourists got out, walked to the front of the train, and asked the train-driver, cant you go any faster?Oh, yes sir replied the driver, but Im not allowed to leave the train., 49. A bulldozer; Why don't trees use the train? Its a slowcomotive.Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. I dont believe you, can you slide it under the door? He snapped back annoyedly. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive? 2. Not a bunch, herd, her friend replied. Q: How do locomotives hear?A: Through the engineers! you sit in front of your TV with your computer beside you and watch the screensaver of trains instead of the TV! To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister. 71. How do you find a missing train? There will be no time for you not to laugh uncontrollably. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.When the train reached Chicago, the mans co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire trip.The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys. Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? We know all about your little banana trick, and youre not escaping this time!. Lydic, who is guest-hosting the Comedy Central program this week, joined Buttigieg at the Department of Transportation to talk about Fox News, accusations his . 14. Train Bloopers and Wrecks | Funny, Weird and Wacky Trains Lots of Videos for Kids-Marshall Publishing 83.2K subscribers 673 273K views 11 years ago This funny train video shows chicken crossing. Youll be laughing uncontrollably in no time.*. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training.When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.How do locomotives hear?Through their enginears.What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat?Here comes the choo choo train!How do you find a missing train?Hire an expert to follow the tracks.The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Railroad Tracks Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. There are many exciting and humorous jokes about trains that are suitable for people of all ages. Yo mama so dirty, a pressure washer couldn't even get her clean. Indeed, deaths and injuries from electrocution have been on a steady increase globally in recent years. Give an unforgettable gift and make your loved ones laugh today! What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat? "See there in the distance. 19. I guess thats why I like monorails so much! Q: What happened to the man that took the 5 oclock train home?A: He had to give it back! To those people who play loud music on the train, I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago. Theyre sure to engineer a few laughs and stop you going off the rails! 41. Q: Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween?A: They only run a skeleton service. One snatches your watch. Why are you laughing?Gordon smiled, They only came to see me off.. The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work. He lost on points. At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman, Excuse me maam, but its really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?, The woman answers, Ill tell you what, Im also feeling really cold, for one night, why dont pretend we are married?, The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies, Yeah of course!, And so the woman says, Good. To their astonishment, the Scots dont buy a ticket at all. A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. Being a train driver is more difficult than it looks. The I Choose You T-shirt is our second choice because of the cute train pun. the crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a U turn to be first in line at the grade crossing. One of them said its a deer. The other said it No its a coyote. The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.You mama is like train tracks she gets laid all around the country.Say what you want about Hitler at least he got the trains to run on time.A Man and a Cow are stuck on train tracks and There is a Train in the distance about to hit both of them. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks an Irishman. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: I wouldnt eat that if I were you.Why not? replied the curious brother.I took one bite and went blind for half a minute., 59. Look at you, panting away. The young man took a deep breath and said, Pop, I missed this train at the last station., 61. Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. A chew chew train! 30. Posted February 7, 2004. Because she wanted to cover her tracks.How do you locate a stolen train? The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train. Otherwise she wouldnt untie us from the tracks. 12. The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. 75+ Dirty Yo Mama Jokes That Always Get A Laugh in 2023 82. This collection of train jokes are clean and safe for kids of all ages - and we're adding new jokes all the time. It leaves tracks. Then the train will run again." "No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. It was a tram-endous opportunity.The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.Theres a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. What do you call a train that sneezes? They are clean and easy to entertain kids. A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. 5.-. The train conductor was a very sneaky woman, she always had a track or two up her sleeve. Reddit - Dive into anything The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. More jokes about: sex. 70. 1. Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train. Run faster! Hed never seen a train or the tracks they run on. Sure thing, no problem. He first punches a hole in the new bulb. 48 Hilarious Train Puns - Punstoppable A: A jellicopter! No, I didnt miss my train! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. At a station stop, the railroads president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. I always like chewing gum on the train. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. you find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when youre watching old cop shows and movies on TV. The FUNNIEST Laffy Taffy Jokes! | Skip To My Lou Yo mama so dirty, she sweats mud. 63. It can be easily washed by machine and the dark grey is the perfect anti-dirt color! Score: 687. Q: What did Thomas say after Gordon helped him out of the mineshaft?A: Tank you, Choo awesome. These train jokes are meant to be funny, but some can be offensive at the same time. As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! I guess hes just really into one liners! One tells you not to chew gum, while the other says Choo-choo.Why was the railway so angry?Because people kept crossing it.Why cant train engineers be electrocuted? We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. He had to give it back.How do trains hear?Through their engineers.What do you call a pretend railway station?A play station.Why was the train engine humming? Sure hold on a second., The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, Im sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train., The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.. Joke has 85.78 % from 2120 votes. In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train. Just stay on the right track. The train for Beanotown is about to depart, calling at Mirth, Merriment and Rolling-on-the-Floor. Q: What wobbles when it flies? You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. When he got down at the destination station, he told the station person that he wanted to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. How do locomotives know where theyre going? Apparently, its an end of line sale.I like to share a train pun or one-liner. Q: What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?A: Oh good! I wasnt surprised to see every person there was wearing platforms.Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem. Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor. The yellow bits are sweet corn, I said. Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?Nowhere, they are the survivors! Q: Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abbreviation, S?A: So that when his box car rolled by everyone would say Hey! Looking for train jokes and jokes about trains? When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. I remember in the good old days all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam. How do locomotives hear? Train With Wife Joke - Dirty Jokes - Jokes4us.com Dont be afraid to bring one up randomly in casual conversations as well (like when youre meeting parents). I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. The Train Wreck T-shirt has an awesome message and a great dark-grey color.

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